


A Secret Between Friends

by abbner



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, previous dimitri/byleth, unserious felix/oc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:42:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27599753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbner/pseuds/abbner
Summary: Felix knows everything about Dimitri. He knows his whole life, both his work and his personal affairs, little though there is to know about the latter. And Dimitri had been sure the reverse was true as well. So it is incredibly strange, Dimitri thinks, that Felix has been conducting a secret relationship, with another lord of the Kingdom no less, with Dimitri none the wiser. Incredibly strange and worthy of a great deal of concern.
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 71





	1. Chapter 1

“The new Duke Aegir is at the center of a plot to assassinate Count Varley,” the intelligence officer tells Dimitri in his weekly report to the King. “It’s still in its early stages but moving quickly. The Duke’s fiancee, the Varley heir is, it seems, aware and in support. Would you have us put a stop to it?”

Dimitri frowns. The murder of the head of one of the six high houses of Adrestia at the hands of another seems like something best avoided. Especially now, a mere two years after the fall of the Empire, tensions within the region still running high. And even in a more stable time, lords can’t just go around killing each other. Surely that is the sort of thing that a good and noble King would not abide. He’s sure his father wouldn’t have.

 _Terrible justification for a terrible idea,_ says a voice in the back of his mind that sounds very like Felix, and Dimitri has to admit that he has a point. Varley has been one of the more...worrisome Adrestian nobles of late. The whispers of ex-Imperial rebellion that he’s heard through this newly instated intelligence network all seem to trace back to the Gronder plains. The old count has lost standing since his side lost the war, but is still respected among those who cling to the dream of the fallen empire. Dimitri can’t deny that the plains, and the south as a whole, would feel more secure with the count out of the picture. 

He’s also heard the rumors about the count’s treatment of his own daughter that make his blood boil and his lance hand itch. The kind of person who could subject his own child to such torture, who would treat her as nothing more than a tool with which to achieve his own selfish aims has no business being at the head of a any house, least of all one of the most powerful in old Adrestia. He would have liked to strip Varley of either his title or his head (or both) long ago, but the time just hadn’t been right to risk that sort of instability. 

But if the Count were to suffer a tragic accident, something untraceable to the crown…

 _Ferdinand is giving us a gift_ , the Felix voice says. _Don’t be too stupid to accept it._

“How many others know of this?”

“In our estimation, none outside the small inner circle, and us of course. It’s unlikely that this will be traced back to Duke Aegir, though never impossible.”

Dimitri sighs. He knows that even a year ago he would have wasted no time writing to Ferdinand to bring an end to his conspiracy, or worse, ridden off to Aegir himself, ignoring Felix’s vain attempts to scream sense into him. But much has changed in the last year.

His jaw clenches. It’s the right decision, both strategically and morally, but it still feels wrong to condone something so _unchivalrous_. But he pushes through “In that case, do nothing but remain vigilant. I expect to be informed should anything befall the count before his own wife is told.”

“Of course, your highness,” the officer says. “Duke Fraldarius will be pleased to hear that, he told me to, uh, strongly recommend this course of action.”

“Hah, is that so?” he sits back and can’t suppress a small, satisfied grin. Felix is away in Fraldarius, where he has been for the last nine days doing, as he calls it, ‘stupid, waste of time Duke bullshit.’ It’s the longest he’s been gone in quite a while, but the knowledge that they are so in sync even with hundreds of miles between them makes Dimitri’s heart feel warm in a way he usually only feels when Felix is nearby. 

The officer winces a little and rubs at the back of his neck. “Well actually, he, uh, put it a little differently. But don’t worry, your highness, I would never presume to speak that way to the king.”

He shakes his head, grin widening. “I hope that you would not speak that way to anyone.”

“No, your highness, I am nowhere near as creative as Duke Fraldarius.”

Dimitri laughs, and the warm feeling lingers. “Well, what else is there?”

“Nothing else of that magnitude, gossip mainly, though it’s all in the report.”

“Ugh.” This is his least favorite part of these intelligence reports. Secret courtships, scandals, affairs, simmering grudges, many of them involving people he went to school with and fought alongside during the war, people he considers his friends. But friends do not usually have each other spied on. Most would consider this a serious breach in trust. It’s a necessary one, though - kings do, typically, have their vassals monitored, Felix always reminds him when he voices his squeamishness, good ones do, anyway. Dimitri knows that he’s right but it doesn’t make him feel any less slimy. “Just the highlights, please.”

“Let’s see,” the officer shuffles through his papers. “Claude von Riegan and Hilda of house Goneril will likely be engaged within the moon,” Dimitri nods, unsurprised but pleased. And the future Margrave Gautier has been seeing quite a lot of one of your own knights, Ingrid Galatea.”

Dimitri already knows this but is surprised to hear it in the report. “Is Felix having Sylvain and Ingrid tailed now as well?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s just common knowledge at this point. Sir Galatea has not been particularly discrete when flying across the entire kingdom by pegasus twice per moon.” 

“She hasn’t, has she?” he laughs, but feels a twinge of sadness, too. He’s happy that his friends have found each other, he truly is, but he and Ingrid haven’t seen nearly as much of each other as he thought they would when she told him she intended to leave House Galatea to become his sworn knight. He misses Sylvain too, but hadn’t expected to see all that much of his friend as he learns to govern his territory at the far edge of the Kingdom.

Not everyone can do what Felix does, spending the good majority of his time in the capitol as Dimitri’s right hand and ruling his territory through a surrogate. He wouldn’t ask that of any of them, hadn’t even asked it of Felix. Yet he was endlessly grateful to his oldest friend for dropping everything to stand by his side as he tried to do what had never been done in Fodlan’s history and rule over the entire continent. If he was honest he didn’t know where he or the continent would be without Felix as his right hand.

Probably in several pieces, both he and Fodlan.

The officer continues, “There is also some talk around Garreg Mach monastery that the archbishop has taken up with her second-in-command, Seteth.”

“Oh?” Dimitri sits up. This news is a surprise but not, he’s pleased to realize after taking a moment to process, the utter disaster it would have been not long ago.

It’s been two years now since things had ended between him and Byleth, or rather, since Byleth had ended things with him. He’d been devastated, completely and utterly devastated when it happened. Byleth had been everything to him during the war. His memories of those eight long months are foggy, but he’ll always remember perfectly the sight of her walking into his hideaway in the ruined monastery, silhouetted in light, the love in her eyes, the softness of her hands, the smell of her hair. She was the only thing that was clear to him in those days, and when things ended it was as if the sun had gone black.

He is not sure whether he would have gotten through it if not for Felix and Dedue, though only the latter was actually aware of the role he was playing in Dimitri’s recovery. Dedue was the only person who’d known there had been anything to recover from. Neither Felix nor any of their other classmates know about his and Byleth’s relationship still to this day. They’d had a good reason to keep it secret, and it hadn’t gone on long enough for either of them to feel the need to inform his friends that their professor and commander was engaging in a salacious affair with her former student, who also happened to be their king. They were in the middle of a war, after all, and both morale and faith in the two of them needed to be kept high.

So Felix hadn’t known why Dimitri suddenly locked himself away in his quarters for three days straight during the second month of his reign, reverting overnight to a version of himself he’d wanted to pretend was gone forever. But that hadn’t stopped him from breaking down Dimitri’s door (almost literally), dragging him out kicking and screaming (actually literally), and forcing him to go through the motions of normal, everyday life as if the world hadn’t ended. And he was surprised how quickly going through the motions of everyday life had turned into...everyday life, but without Byleth. Which was not okay, at first, until one day it was. 

Dedue had been furious with Felix in the beginning. Dimitri is fairly sure that the only time in his life he has ever seen Dedue yell at someone was that first day that Felix had forced Dimitri out of bed and into the world. “ _Are you just going to lay there in pity for yourself while your country tears itself apart, boar? Get the fuck up, Fodlan is relying on you._ ” Dimitri can still hear Felix berating him over Dedue’s attempts to physically remove him from Dimitri’s chambers. Dedue prefers a gentler approach than Felix does in almost everything, especially where Dimitri is concerned. 

But Felix had been right in the end, not to mention much stronger and harder to remove than he looked. When Dimitri was busy working he had very little time to dwell on Byleth, and soon found that in his free time his thoughts lingered on her less and less. He is certain that had he been allowed to confine himself to his room he wouldn’t have recovered half as quickly as he had. 

His feelings for Byleth had still lingered quite a bit longer than he would have liked, but he really has moved on now, and is rather proud of himself at the genuine happiness he feels at the news that his friend has found someone. 

There is still that small twinge of sadness however, though it’s not there out of jealousy of Seteth. Since the war ended the news of new courtships and engagements from his former classmates has seemed constant. Ferdinand and Bernadetta had been the first to announce their engagement, Petra and Dorothea soon after. Then Caspar and Lindhardt had set off together to who knows where, and Ashe started spending much more time in the capitol with Annette. There was Sylvain and Ingrid, of course, and now Claude and Hilda. 

Even Dedue, to both Dimitri and Felix’s utter shock, has found a partner in Mercedes. Dimitri had been delighted to hear this news, both for his friend’s happiness and because Dedue had finally started to come into his own with someone other than Dimitri at his side. He’s still his advisor part-time and works at the castle some days, but now he splits his time across the capitol in the Duscur residential district alongside Mercedes at their new school. Dimitri had been a bit less delighted by this development, and was surprised by how much he’d needed to adjust to not having his dear friend by his side at all times. But it was a necessary change, Dimitri knew, and for the best for both of them. The first time Dedue had returned to the castle after being in the Duscur residential district for a week, Dimitri was quite moved to hear his friend address him by his first name with no hesitation.

Dimitri is happy for his friend, happy for all his friends. But he can’t deny that he feels just a tiny bit jealous. It’s wrong and selfish and he doesn’t dwell on it much, but every time he learns of a new romance between his former classmates he becomes that much more aware of his own solitary status, a status which does not seem likely to change any time soon. Running one country is difficult, running three at once is impossible on a good day, and it doesn’t leave him much time to even meet new people, much less conduct any sort of romantic relationship. It usually doesn’t bother him much, it’s not like he’s particularly lonely. He has Felix, after all. When he’s not in Fraldarius.

Ah, well. He is sure he will dwell on this more tonight as he lies in bed, but he has a long day ahead of him before he needs to worry about that. “Is that all then?” Dimitri asks.

The officer fidgets with his hands. “There is one more thing, your Highness,” he says, not fully meeting Dimitri’s eyes. “Pure gossip but still likely good for you to know.”

Dimitri raises an eyebrow. It’s not like him to qualify his reports like this. “Is that Duke Fraldarius’ assessment?”

“This is, ah, not intelligence that I’ve shared with the Duke, your Highness.”

This takes Dimitri by surprise. “Anything you say to me you can say to Felix.” 

“Yes, understood, your Highness, it’s just that, well, this intelligence concerns Duke Fraldarius.” 

Dimitri’s breath catches in his throat. “Ah- oh,” he says, taken off guard. “That’s- well, what is it then?”

The officer clears his throat and straightens up. “Duke Fraldarius has been frequenting Itha territory, paying visits to the new lord there.”

“Ah, well,” he sits back, “I fail to see why that qualifies as intelligence. All seems in order.” Dimitri is well aware that Felix has been checking in on the man they installed to replace his uncle about a year ago. The new Lord Itha, Oscar, is a distant cousin of Dimitri’s who was never supposed to inherit territory. He’s a few years younger than Dimitri and, needless to say, much less experienced. He’s loyal and hardworking, but still requires a good deal of supervision as he comes into his own and learns to govern his territory. Felix had volunteered to stop in whenever he’s in Fraldarius, as the territories border each other.

“The visits are not strictly business, your Highness,” the officer says. He pauses, and when Dimitri says nothing he continues, “Our man in Lord Itha’s personal guard reports the Duke lingering at the castle after their official audience has ended. In the Lord’s personal quarters.” When Dimitri doesn’t respond the officer elaborates, “They’re having a romantic affair, your highness.”

 _Romantic affair._ Dimitri finds it quite difficult to process this. Impossible, even. There has to be some mistake. “This is Duke Fraldarius we are talking about, correct?”

“Yes, your highness.”

“As in, Felix Fraldarius.”

“Yes, your highness.”

“Felix _Hugo_ Fraldarius.”

“Is there another one, your highness?”

“Not...not that I know of.” Dimitri leans forward, rubs at his brow. “You are sure it was him?”

“Quite certain, your highness. My agent was able to describe him in detail. The Duke is quite distinctive.”

“Yes.. he certainly is…” Dimitri trails off, looking away. _A romantic affair. Felix. With Lord Itha_. How could this be? How long has it been going on? Why hadn’t Felix told him? _Why hadn’t Felix told him?_ Had Felix told him? Had Dimitri forgotten? Dimitri wracks his brains trying to remember. Had he mentioned it offhand? Maybe when Dimitri was preoccupied with something, only half listening. Or maybe Dimitri had interpreted it the wrong way. Dimitri does that sometimes. But there’s nothing, _nothing_ he can remember Felix saying that gave any indication that he was seeing someone. And surely he would have mentioned it more than once, especially if he thought Dimitri hadn’t understood the first time. Right? So Felix couldn’t have told him. Felix hadn’t told him. Why hadn’t Felix told him?

_Why hadn’t Felix told him?_

“Your highness?” 

Dimitri startles, he had forgotten the officer was still there. “Ah, yes, well, thank you for bringing this to my attention.” He messes with the papers on his desk, spreading them out and back together again as if he’s looking for something before he rises suddenly. “If that is all I will be going. Or- ah, you will be going. Seeing as we’re in my office.”

“Oh- I apologize for overstaying your highness.”

“No no, not at all, it’s just I have much to do today. Reports to go over, and the like.” This is a lie; Dimitri has the rest of the afternoon off. But he needs the officer to leave immediately. 

“Of course, until next week, Your Highness.” He gives a curt bow and sets off.

“Yes yes, thank you, goodbye,” Dimitri hurries him out of the office and shuts the door tight behind him. The officer’s words reverberate. His head thuds onto the door and he stares down at his feet, his mind racing, tracing patterns in the floorboards. 

_A romantic affair._ Dimitri is stunned, to say the absolute least. Felix has given _zero_ indication that he has been seeing someone, zero indication that he even _wanted_ that kind of relationship at all. He’d never even told Dimitri that he was interested in men. If Dimitri had known that… _well, it doesn’t matter now_. He pushes the thought out of his mind before it can fully form. What matters is that Felix has been hiding a huge part of his life from him, and Dimitri had had _no idea_.

He’d been certain he knew Felix, or at least, knew him better than he would allow anyone else to know him. Certainly Felix could say that much for him. 

Dimitri paces around his study. Of course this thing could only have started while Felix was away. Dimitri would know, he would _have_ to know, if anything had happened in Fhirdiad. When Felix is in the capitol, which recently had been three or more weeks of each moon, they are together most of the time, and when they’re not they each certainly know where the other one is. Over the last two years he had shared every aspect of his life with Felix, by necessity mostly, as they had quickly learned that the responsibilities of the king were far greater than any one man could meet, even if he did nothing but work twenty-four hours a day. Between the two of them and their several assistants the workload was barely manageable, but only if they were in near constant communication. They have to be very careful with how they spend their precious time, so they make sure to carefully schedule all of it, together at the beginning of each week. The two of them are aware of each other from the moment that Felix shows up at his study with their morning coffee and their daily agendas, until well past midnight, as they pore over a new plan together by dwindling candlelight, or sometimes just read or journal in the silent company of the other. 

(It’s these sleepy hours with him that are Dimitri’s favorite, the hours when Felix is the most relaxed, soft, even. The tension of the day melts away and by candlelight Felix looks a little less severe, a little less like Duke Fraldarius and more like his old friend. He laughs more easily, swears less, and sometimes when he meets Dimitri’s eyes across his desk his cheeks and the tips of his ears will go red for a few seconds. All of which makes Dimitri feel quite warm, almost uncomfortably so. It’s not a side of himself that Felix lets anyone else see. Or so he thought. His chest aches.)

Dimitri hadn’t been accustomed to this level of closeness with Felix, and Felix hadn’t been accustomed to it with anyone when they had stepped into their new roles two years ago. But they hadn’t had any time to dwell on the awkwardness or even acknowledge it when there was a continent to run. And it hadn’t taken long at all for their relationship to feel perfectly natural, as if it had always been that way.

It hadn’t, of course, always been that way. The stars needed to align to get them to the point they’re at now, and align they had. Things had worked out perfectly for them, really. Neither of them enjoyed talking about their feelings, and there had been _a lot_ of feelings between them when the war ended. But their unique situation (being twenty-three years old and in charge of unifying an entire continent) had meant they never had time to confront any of the resentment or feelings of abandonment or betrayal that had built up over the years. They were instead forced to focus all of their energy on working together, something they had always done remarkably well, even during the years when Felix had refused to call Dimitri by his name. And before he knew it those residual feelings had faded away into virtually nothing.

It’s not like they spend all their time together on work though, just the vast majority of it. They spar together too, it’s both of their favorite (only) hobby and there’s no one else in the castle who is a match for either of them, or who even tries to be. Everyone who could put up a fight against Dimitri is too afraid of accidentally maiming the king of unified Fodlan to really try, which frustrates him to no end. And no one else will spar with Felix because they’re afraid he’ll bite them, even though that’s only happened once or twice this year. So they spar together most days.

They talk, too, and not just about work. They talk about their friends, they complain about the more idiotic nobles at court, they even laugh together. Dimitri had been quite shocked to realize during the first year of his reign that Felix’s reputation for having no sense of humor is entirely undeserved. His sense of humor is there, it’s just...weird. Felix makes a lot of jokes and always has. It’s just that his jokes are often violent and his delivery is so deadpan that everyone around him thinks he is being serious. Dimitri now counts himself among the lucky few who can tell the difference between a Felix-threat made in jest and one that should cause genuine concern. Most of the time, at least.

And of course, they work together, better than Dimitri has ever worked with anyone in his life, even Dedue and even Byleth at the end of the war when they were all but finishing each other’s sentences. It’s not that they agree on everything; they rarely do, at first. But where they disagree they balance each other. Dimitri’s instincts always tell him to do whatever is right, while Felix’s say to do whatever it takes. Governing, they both know now, requires a bit of both.

They’ve rubbed off on each other, quite a bit, Dimtiri thinks. Felix has stopped resenting him for projecting a persona that embodies righteousness and chivalry, and doesn’t scoff as much when Dimitri pushes back on his more unorthodox ideas by asking, _but what will the people think?_ Likewise, Dimitri no longer immediately balks when Felix suggests they employ deceitful tactics or hide significant information from others at court. It’s a necessary, if unpleasant part of the job, though Felix’s support makes it easier to bear. 

It’s gotten to a point recently where Dimitri knows what Felix is going to say before he even says it, and vice versa. This, Dimitri thinks, gazing wistfully upon the chair on the opposite side of his desk, usually filled by Felix at this hour, is the root of the problem. 

Felix knows everything about Dimitri. He knows his whole life, both his work and his personal affairs, little though there is to know about the latter. And Dimitri had been sure the reverse was true as well. So it is incredibly strange, Dimitri thinks, that Felix has been conducting a secret relationship, with another lord of the Kingdom no less, with Dimitri none the wiser. Incredibly strange and worthy of a great deal of concern. Because if Dimitri has been so completely in the dark about Felix’s life, how can he say he even _knows_ the man he calls his closest friend? Maybe he doesn’t know him at all. The thought makes him sick.

To be fair, he’s never really thought about Felix’s personal life, mostly because he assumed it was as non-existent as his own. Felix spends just as much time and energy running the continent as he does, some weeks even more. Dimitri, certainly, has not found the time to pursue romance, not since the war ended, and he can’t fathom how Felix has. 

Yet somehow, he has. With another man. This is not an important detail, of course. Dimitri is no bigot, even if he were he likes to think he would be open minded enough to change his ways if his friendship with Felix was at stake. And besides, it would be quite hypocritical of him for him to judge Felix for being intimate with other men when it is something that he is far from opposed to doing himself.

No, that is not the issue here, although it is a detail that Dimitri finds quite interesting, for some unknown reason that he will not interrogate at this time. The issue is that Felix is his closest friend, and he didn’t tell him that he was seeing someone. Which is something that people usually tell their closest friends, at least they do when there isn’t a war going on, and they’re not a deposed king, and the person they’re seeing isn’t the commander of their army and also their former professor. When none of those conditions are met, which is usually the case, people tell their friends when they are courting someone new. 

That Felix didn’t tell him implies that Felix does not consider Dimitri a friend. The thought is utterly devastating to the point that Dimitri can hardly bear to think about it. But he can’t think about anything else, either. He bites his knuckle. Felix has come to mean so much to him. Of all the things he’s gained since the war ended, friendship with Felix is by far the most dear to him. It’s the thing that had always felt the most out of reach. 

_Maybe_ , he thinks, throat growing tight, _it still is..._

 _No._ Dimitri shakes himself, stops pacing, pinches the inside of his arm. He can’t allow himself to go there, refuses to indulge thoughts that are not based in reality. He fixes his gaze on the chair on the opposite side of his desk, the chair that usually contains Felix.

Felix is his friend. He fought for him, dropped everything to stand by him, takes care of him when he works too hard. He’s patient when Dimiri has an episode, but never too patient, because he knows what Dimitri needs, because he pays attention. Because he _cares_ about Dimitri. The idea that Felix still hates, _ever_ hated him, him is absurd. It’s not real. It’s insulting to Felix to even entertain the idea.

He resolves to repeat this as a mantra if he feels himself slipping. He should repeat it to Felix too, he thinks, let him know that he’s noticed, that he appreciates all he does for him. He doesn’t thank Felix anywhere near enough. He will start doing that, he decides, after they’ve talked about all this. Five days from now.

He stares out his window over the castle grounds. He is still worried, to say the absolute least, both that his relationship with Felix is not exactly what he thought it was, and that the worry itself will morph into something darker if he doesn’t get a handle on it. If he dwells in sadness it will only get worse, he knows from too much experience. He has to shake this melancholy somehow. 

He’s discovered that the fastest way out of a low mood is physical activity, and the best physical activity, as everyone knows, is sparring. The only problem is that his best sparring partner is both the cause of his low mood and half a kingdom away. Dedue is hard at work with Mercedes on the other side of the city, Ingrid is in Gautier, and Sylvain is in Ingrid. Gustave will have to do. 

He finds Gustave in his study by the knight’s hall and they make their way to the training grounds. Gustave is no match for Dimitri, not really, but in full armor he is quite sturdy, so their sparring sessions consist of Dimitri trying his best to knock Gustave over.

They usually spar in complete silence, except for when Dimitri’s strength gets the better of him and he hits a little too hard. This is more than okay with him. But today is different - Dimitri knows that if he wants the thing buzzing around his mind to quiet down, he needs to talk about it. Everyone else is gone. He does not have high hopes for this conversation, but it has to be better than suffering in silence.

“Tell me, Gustave,” he says between blows “have you ever been so close with someone that you knew everything about them?”

This is apparently the wrong question to ask because Gustave drops his shield completely. Dimitri, who was midway through swinging his training lance at him, has less time to adjust than he needs and ends up tumbling into the dirt in his effort not to murder him.

“Gustave!”

“I apologize, your highness, you caught me off guard.”

“I apologize as well. Had I known that the question would put your life at risk I would not have asked.”

Gustave offers Dimitri his hand, pulling him to his feet. “Why would you ask me such a thing?”

Dimitri brushes himself off. “Well you see, I am having a bit of a problem with someone who I thought I was very close to. I recently learned something surprising about this person,” He crosses his arms, digs his nails into his elbows. “And now I cannot help but wonder...did I ever really know them? Has-has our bond been an illusion this whole time? How much do you need to know about a person to be their friend, to _truly_ know them, Gustave?” 

Gustave sighs, looks off into the distance. “My... wife once believed she knew me, in the way that you say,” he says, staring off. “And I her,” he closes his eyes and bows his head. “The woman you are speaking of, you would do well to distance yourself from her immediately. Ensure she does not come to expect intimacy. She must understand that this will be the way of things, and you must as well.”

“Um,” Dimitri says, arms falling to his sides. This was not what he expected Gustave to say. “Well, it is not a woman I am speaking of, first of all” his brow furrows, “and second it is not someone who I have the option to, to distance myself from. And third, I do not want to distance myself from them, that is the opposite of what I want. And- and fourth, I’m not talking about _intimacy_ , I’m talking about friendship, about knowing who someone is!” Dimitri did not mean to raise his voice, but it echoes around the training hall all the same.

Gustave turns to meet his gaze, silent. His face somehow even stonier than usual. After a long pause, and with grave sincerity, he speaks. “Heed my words, your highness. You will never truly know anyone, or be known in return. Accept this now, and learn to live with it. When you have lived as much as I, you too will consider this a blessing, not a curse. Excuse me, I must go.”

 _That was somehow much more unhelpful than I expected_ , Dimitri thinks as Gustave brushes past him. Though he really should have known better than to ask Gustave about anything that didn’t have to do with military strategy or woodcarving. _Emotionally constipated_ was a phrase that Annette had used to describe Felix once, but Dimitri can’t help but think it applies better to her own father. He wonders offhand how it was that Annette came to be so well adjusted with a father so out of touch, but when he remembers that Gustave abandoned his family for several formative years of her life it makes a bit more sense. 

No matter. The spar had been a decent enough distraction for a few minutes, but now he is right back where he started, with nothing to distract him from his thoughts of Felix and Lord Itha. 

Perhaps it’s time he needs more than anything, he thinks he stalks back up to the castle. The news about Felix has come as a shock to him, it’s natural that his mind can’t focus on anything else in the immediate aftermath. Surely after a few days go by the shock will have worn off, and by the time Felix gets back to the capital Dimitri will be fully adjusted to his new reality and able to talk with him about it without shaking. Five days should be more than enough to do the trick.

***

Two days, however, are not enough to do the trick. They pass, and Dimitri’s hang-up goes nowhere. He feels a bit better, less frantic, less liable to slip into darkness. But thoughts of Felix still have him quite preoccupied.

Felix has now been gone for eleven days and three hours. Not that Dimitri is counting, he just keeps a very detailed calendar that includes information on when his closest advisor will be in and out of the city. Which is quite normal, he thinks. And he is definitely not checking said calendar several times a day to make sure that Felix is actually due back another in three days and sixteen hours and not sooner. At least he is trying not to.

Despite himself, Dimitri glances at it one more time. Up until last week each day is filled with appointments, many simultaneous, some in his own elegant cursive and some in Felix’s scribble. Each of their days, down to the last minute, laid out in perfect detail. But today, and yesterday, and tomorrow, and every day that Felix has been gone, the entries are a bit more sparse and have only one word in Felix’s hand. _Fraldarius_.

For one wild moment Dimitri considers forbidding Felix from ever leaving the capital again. Immediately he chides himself. Felix is his right hand, his friend, not his prisoner. He has responsibilities in Fraldarius, and on top of that Dimitri knows that Felix _hates_ being stuck in Fhirdiad. Hates being stuck in any city, really, but Fhirdiad most of all. It’s just another reason why Dimitri knows he will never be able to repay Felix for all he’s done for him, the discomfort he’s endured to stand by his side. 

He’d had the idea recently that it would be nice to get out of the city for Felix’s birthday, a few months away. There’s a small fortress not too far past Fhirdiad’s limits, but far enough that the noise and smells of the city die away. In peacetime the royal family has always used it as a summer getaway. He has fond memories of his father taking him there as a child, and thought it might be nice to bring Felix there, just for a few days. Sylvain and Ingrid could come, if they were free. Annette too. Or it could be just the two of them if no one else could make it. It may be difficult to get there during the winter, but Felix would probably enjoy the challenge. They could go hunting together. 

It was just an idea. He’d never actually gotten around to asking Felix if he wanted to go. There was always so much else for them to discuss, it kept slipping his mind. But now he wishes he’d made the time for it. Maybe then things would be different.

 _Ugh_. He had really hoped two days would be enough.

But he has a theory as to why he hasn’t been able to shake these persistent thoughts. There is a meeting of the northern agricultural council today, and most high lords of Faerghus will be there. Not including Felix, of course, who will not be back for...he checks his calendar once more just to be sure - yes, three days, fifteen and a half hours. No, Felix will not be there, but Lord Itha will be. Today Dimitri will have to face him, knowing what he knows, and pretend that everything is normal between them. 

Which, of course, it is. The young count hasn’t done anything wrong, and Dimitri barely knows him at all, has barely ever noticed him in council meetings before. The knowledge that this person, so insignificant until now, is in a secret relationship with his best friend should have no bearing on his conduct toward him during a very important meeting about…something to do with plants, he’s sure. His mind has been rather scattered lately, and Felix hasn’t been around to remind him which things he is supposed to care about when. He will just have to take an extra moment or two to review the meeting agenda.

Some minor lords and ladies and officials are beginning to mill about outside the council room when he arrives early, hoping to catch Dimitri’s ear before the meeting starts. He’s gotten quite good at ignoring these overtures by looking straight ahead and making eye contact with no one as he walks directly into the conference room. He’s been told it’s very intimidating. It’s something Felix encouraged him to do after watching him waste one too many hours stuck in interminable conversations with people who are really not worth his precious time. 

He’s almost to the council room when a familiar voice rings out down the hall.

“Hel-LOOO your highness!” 

Dimitri spins around and a wave of relief washes over him. It’s quite strange, he hadn’t even realized how desperately he needed to see a friendly face until laying eyes on Sylvain, following him down the hall with a grin on his face.

“Sylvain,” he calls out to his friend and greets him with a hug, “what an unexpected surprise, I did not realize you were coming.”

“I wasn’t,” Sylvain says, clapping him on the back. “The old man decided he couldn’t be bothered to make the trip at the last minute, so he sent me instead.”

“I’ll have to extend my gratitude. It is very good to see you, Sylvain,” Dimitri says, feeling warm. He’s surprised how much he means it, and by the scratch in his throat.

Sylvain frowns a little “Is everything okay Dimitri? I mean, it’s really good to see you too.”

“Ah, yes, everything is fine,” Dimitri says as brightly as he can manage. “Though I appreciate the concern, I am doing quite well.”

“Uh huh,” Sylvain does not appear convinced. “It’s not… your old friends aren’t in town, are they?”

Dimitri shakes his head “No, no it’s nothing like that, they have been away for quite some time now.” _Though they always come back_ , says a little voice in the back of his mind. He brushes it aside. “Say, Sylvain, have you heard from Felix recently?” he asks, partly to change the subject but mostly because there is something he needs to know.

Sylvain’s raises his eyebrows. “Wasn’t he just here last week?”

“He left eleven days ago, actually, but I was wondering if you had seen him since then.”

Sylvain grins in a way that makes Dimitri a bit uncomfortable. “Uh, no, I haven’t. Not everyone gets to hang out with Felix as much as you do, unfortunately.”

“Ah, yes, I am lucky in that regard I suppose,” Sylvain snorts but Dimitri continues, “but even so, I was wondering, in the last moon he visited the Sreng region with you, correct? Did he mention any, ah, personal news to you?”

“Personal news? What, are you two tying the knot or something?” 

Dimitri laughs at this very loudly. A little too loudly, he thinks. Several people turn their heads in their direction. Sylvain takes a half step back and looks a little frightened.

“Ah- ahem, I apologize Sylvain, that was a very funny joke. No it’s nothing like that. I was just wondering if he had mentioned any new friends to you when you saw him.”

Sylvain laughs. “Since when does Felix make new friends?”

“That is a good point.”

“Why are you asking me this anyway? Is something wrong?”

He is about to answer when someone brushes past them, and Dimitiri’s stomach lurches when he registers Lord Oscar Itha. He sucks in a quiet breath, which of course Sylvain notices. Itha doesn’t thank the goddess. He does, however, stop and give Dimitri a big smile and a small, nervous bow. “Your highness, it’s so cool, erm, ahem, it is a pleasure to see you. You are looking well! And you as well, Lord Gautier.”

He stands at attention, stupid grin still plastered on his face. Sylvain bows back, watching Dimitri out of the corner of his eye “The pleasure is ours, Lord Itha.”

Dimitri does not bow. “Oscar,” he says, more of a growl than he intended.

Lord Itha’s grin remains but there’s a flash of panic in his eyes. He visibly gulps. “Yes, well. I’ll see you both in there then!” he says and all but sprints into the council chamber. 

“Okay Dimitri, what the hell is going on?” Sylvain demands after Lord Itha is safely out of sight. 

“Nothing,” he says, too quickly, not meeting his eyes. “It is nothing, Sylvain. If you’ll excuse me, I must review my notes before the meeting begins.” He follows Lord Itha into the room with a swish of his cloak before Sylvain can respond. 

Taking extra time to review his notes proves to be futile, as Dimitri can’t focus on anything for more than a minute at a time. Not that it matters, in the end, because he can’t pay arrention during the meeting either. Instead, he watches Lord Itha.

What could Felix possibly see in him? It couldn’t possibly be his smarts - he doesn’t seem to have any. Even when he’s only half listening to the discussion about which provinces should receive which grain subsidies he recognizes that Lord Itha is talking way too much and saying too little. What decent points he does make are so obvious that they are barely even worth saying, or he’s just re-wording something that someone older and wiser has already said. And every time he finishes speaking he sits back with that stupid grin on his face, eyes flitting from lord to lord for signs of approval, like a dog looking for a treat. It’s pathetic to watch, Dimitri almost feels bad for him, but this doesn’t stop him from scoffing audibly at it more than once, or from feeling smug satisfaction when the Lord’s wide eyes meet his own scowl and he sinks into his chair.

Itha speaks less and less as the meeting goes on. This does little to reduce Dimitri’s irritation. 

_Maybe it’s his looks_. Although that’s unlikely as well, seeing as Itha is about as unremarkable as a bowl of oats. His hair is light brown and mousy, tousled in a way that is similar to Sylvain’s, but much more annoying. He’s tall, almost as tall as Dimitri. But not as tall. And much lankier. He certainly doesn’t have Dimitri’s strength. And again, Dimitri is taller. He’s pretty sure, at least.

Dimitri does have to admit that Lord Itha has nice eyes. They’re wide and blue, a very similar blue to Dimitri’s own. And there are two of them, which is twice as many as Dimitri has. They are remarkably expressive eyes. For example, Dimitri can tell that right now Lord Itha is teetering on the brink of sheer terror. He won’t stop glancing over at Dimitri with those big, round eyes and snapping his gaze back to a spot on the wall straight ahead of him when he meets the king’s glare, his face going a shade paler each time. _What the hell does he have to be so frightened about, in the middle of the most mundane discussion that has ever been had?_ Now Dimitri is even more irritated than before.

 _Perhaps he’s a skilled fighter_ , Dimitri thinks. Maybe that’s how it started, the two of them sparring after a long, tedious meeting like this one, both of them desperate to let off some steam. Itha probably used a lance as most people of almost-Dimitri’s-height do, Felix a sword as always. Maybe Lord Itha had overpowered Felix, brought him to the ground, hovered over him, pinning him there, their faces a little too close, their breathing heavy. Felix had probably licked his lips, an unspoken challenge that Lord Itha had met, closing the short distance between them and bringing their lips together, sticking his tongue down Felix’s throat. Maybe it had gone even further from there, Felix grinding his hips up into Lord Itha’s, the lord responding by hooking his arms under Felix’s legs, spreading them open, pushing them back, bending him in half, nothing on but those thigh-high boots he’s always wearing- 

Dimitri shakes himself, cheeks turning pink. There’s a familiar warm feeling pooling low in his stomach and guilt in his stomach. _What is he doing,_ thinking of Felix, his friend in that way? And in the middle of a _council meeting_.

In any case, it’s exceedingly unlikely that Lord Itha could best Felix in combat. He is soft and uncoordinated, his movements unsure even just sitting around the council table. He must have had some sword training, at least, growing up in Faerghus, but it couldn’t possibly be anything near the thousands of hours at the training grounds that he and Felix had between them. 

Dimitri wouldn’t be surprised if the young lord hadn’t even seen real battle. He has heard no stories about Lord Itha’s feats during the war, and there are no scars on his smooth, boyish face. He certainly hadn’t been on the front lines with Dimitri and Felix, hadn’t grown used to facing his own death on a weekly basis, hadn’t seen what they had. Dimitri wonders if Lord Itha has ever killed anyone before, if he even has it in him. His money is on no. 

He’s certainly never killed anyone to save Felix from certain death, the way Dimitri has countless times. He wonders if Lord Itha knows that, if Felix ever told him.

Lord Itha cannot escape fast enough at the end of the hour; he’s out the door before the meeting has even fully adjourned. _Good riddance._

Sylvain approaches him at the head of the table. “Well that was complete batshit.” 

“Hm? Which part?” Dimitri asks, mentally scrambling to remember a single detail about the meeting he can repeat to Sylvain.

“The part where you spent the entire meeting staring daggers at Lord Itha, laughed at everything he said and shot down every single idea he had even if he was agreeing with you.”

Dimitri pales, eye going wide. “I did not- that was not about- did anyone else notice?”

Sylvain snorts. “I’m pretty sure Lord Itha noticed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the poor guy literally pissed his pants.”

“Oh,” Dimitri says, realization dawning on him. “He was acting that way because of me.”

“Uh, yeah,” Sylvain says. “You can be very scary, your highness. What did the guy do to you, anyway?”

“What? He- he did nothing to me, I suppose. Besides waste my time and everyone else’s with his nonsense. Did you notice that everything he says is something that someone else has said already?” Dimitri is getting annoyed again just thinking about it. “Or how he expects everyone to tell him how clever he is all the time? Or how everything he says relates back to how well Itha is doing under his rule? Or how-”

“No, I hadn’t, actually,” Sylvain cuts him off. “I actually thought he had some good points. I mean, they guy’s a bit of a tryhard, sure, and a bit naive, but you’ve got to cut him some slack, Dimitri. He’s like twenty years old and in charge of an entire territory. _Of course_ he wants everyone to think he’s doing a good job. He especially wants _you_ to think that.”

“Hmph,” Dimitri grunts, but he mulls on Sylvain’s words. His situation at twenty was incomparable to the cushy lifestyle he is sure Lord Itha enjoys tucked away in his castle. And yet... hadn’t he been wracked by guilt back then, every single day, knowing that he was failing his duty to his country? If he’d had someone, someone a bit older and more sure of themselves, someone he could look up to, someone who loved him even...maybe things would have been different. How can he begrudge Lord Itha for finding that in Felix now?

He’s been cruel, he realizes. He hasn’t meant to, but he’s taken his own sadness and anger out on this poor boy who is just trying to do his best with the unfair amount of responsibility that has been placed on his shoulders.

“I...I suppose I should apologize,” he says after a moment.

“Probably,” Sylvain says, “Although I might wait a few days if I were you. I think if he saw you coming after him right now he might actually die of terror.” 

“Oh,” Dimitri says, looking away. “Right. I did not mean to frighten him.”

“I know you didn’t,” says Sylvain, putting a hand on his shoulder. “I know what a sweet guy you are. But you’ve gotta remember that you’re very intimidating to people who don’t know you, and it doesn’t help when you growl at them.”

“I did not growl.”

“Sure, buddy,” Sylvain says. “Anyway, you still haven’t told me why you tried to eat Lord Itha in the first place, and I’m not going to forget about it. But don’t worry, I’m not going to force you to tell me. Today. Because I have some, uh, very important matters that I need to get to.” He wiggles his eyebrows.

“I see,” Dimitri says with a small smile. “Please say hello to Ingrid for me, and ask her to pay me a visit before you two leave again.”

“Oh I’m not sure she’ll have time for that,” Sylvain says with a wink. “We have _a lot_ of matters that need getting to. I’m sure you understand, eh Dimitri?” He elbows him in the arm. “Don’t you and Felix spend a lot of time _getting to matters_ together?”

Dimitri thought he understood what Sylvain meant by _getting to matters_ , but if it’s something that he and Felix do together then he’s not so sure. “I guess so?”

“Confirmation!” Sylvain exclaims, throwing his hands in the air. “Ingrid owes me- well, actually, don’t worry about that. Oh wow, I am so happy. Um, for you two, obviously. Tell him I said hi, and also, _nice_ , and also, _thank you_.”

Sylvain puts his hands together and gives him a little bow, and he’s off before Dimitri can decipher any of this. He feels vaguely worried that he just gave Sylvain a very incorrect idea about the nature of his problem with Felix.

This does, however, confirm that he’s not the only one from whom Felix has been hiding his relationship. This makes Dimitri feel marginally better. Marginally. But it seems that Sylvain _did_ know about Felix’s sexual orientation, and Dimitri’s as well, which is more surprising than it is upsetting. He hadn’t intentionally been hiding it from his friends that he was attracted to men as well as women, he just hasn’t had a good enough reason to tell them. He’s not the type to talk about himself unprompted, and his romantic life has been non-existent since the thing between him and Byleth ended. 

_That other thing which none of your friends know about to this day_ , the little voice in the back of his head reminds him. He shoves it aside again, he had good reason to keep his relationship with their professor a secret.

But maybe, he thinks late that night, staring up at his bedroom ceiling, maybe Felix is using the same logic that Dimitri has all these years to justify keeping his own secrets. Maybe Felix had reasoned that his relationship had no bearing on any of his friends so long as they didn't know about it, and just hadn’t bothered to tell them for expediency’s sake. Felix _hates_ talking about himself even more than Dimitri does, even getting him to tell you what he wants to eat for dinner is like pulling teeth. And where feelings are concerned it’s even worse - it had taken _ten years_ for them to talk about Glenn’s death without Felix trying to impale him. If Felix is confused about his feelings, or if they’re causing him some sort of pain... could it be that Felix is ashamed? 

If that is the case he should let Felix keep his secret as long as he needs to. He tries to imagine their positions reversed, Felix confronting him about his relationship with Byleth, demanding to hear details that Dimitri wasn’t even ready to admit to himself, let alone say out loud to another person. The thought makes his stomach twist and turn, and he can hardly bear the thought of putting his closest friend in that exact situation, as he had been almost ready to do just moments ago. _How could I have been so selfish?_ This whole time, the past few days, he’s thought only of his own feelings, and not of Felix’s. It is no wonder Felix hadn’t trusted him with his secret.

He resolves then and there to protect Felix’s secret at all costs, from everyone, including himself. He will never breathe another word of it to anyone, or let on that anything is amiss. He’ll smile and make nice with Lord Itha, set Sylvain straight and tell Gustave that he’s let some imaginary girl down gently after all. And when Felix gets back all will be exactly as it was when he left. 

_But then again_ , he thinks after another forty-five minutes, _this is Felix_. Felix hates being lied to. He _especially_ hates it when Dimitri lies to him, and he always, _always_ knows when it is happening. This news has upset Dimitri, there is no use denying it, and there will be no point in hiding it from Felix because that will just make things worse in the long run. He has learned the hard way that their relationship only works when they are honest with each other. He cannot lie, and he cannot just go back in time and stop his officer from telling him, and he cannot simply stop caring about this in three- two now, actually- days when Felix gets back to the capitol. 

And even if he could somehow stop caring or successfully hide his feelings, is that what Felix would want? Dimitri is fairly sure it’s not. He imagines Felix learning months or even years from now that Dimitri has known about his relationship all this time, and never brought it up in order to spare his feelings. Felix would never forgive him for that, he’s absolutely sure of it.

So he can’t pretend he doesn’t know what he knows. But he can’t put Felix in a position where he has to reveal more than he wants to, which is surely less than Dimitri already knows. _What the hell is he supposed to do?_

This has to be the most time he has spent agonizing over a friendship ever, in his life. The only time he’s even come close to what he’s experiencing now was near the end of the war, when he and Byleth had begun circling each other. But this feels different, more potent. Perhaps because there’s no war going on to distract him, or perhaps because Felix is a very potent person. Things have always been complicated between them, though Dimitri does think it’s a bit funny how much simpler things were back when Felix hated his guts.

Not that he would ever want to go back to that. Of all that he’s gained since the war ended, he values his friendship with Felix most of all. Values it so much that it causes him physical pain in his chest. It feels tight, as though his heart is going to burst through at any moment. It’s not something he’s felt for a very long time.

No, he can’t lose Felix again, which means he cannot mess this situation up. It begins to dawn on him that there is only one thing to do. He has to tell Felix what he knows, while making it _absolutely clear_ that Felix is under _no_ obligation to give him any further details or updates on his situation, or ever mention it to Dimitri ever again in his entire life. But he should know that he has the option to. And Dimitri really, desperately hopes that Felix takes him up on it. 

Having established a path forward Dimitri actually feels markedly better. He might even get some sleep tonight. He will definitely need it if he is going to get through the next few days until he can speak with Felix. 

He can do this, he thinks, eyelid getting heavy. The last thought he has before drifting off is that it’s rather funny how little he’s thought of Byleth and her new lover these past few days.


	2. Chapter 2

The closer Felix gets to Dimitri, the more he dreads what he will find in his place. 

He makes his way through the lonely city streets, the cobblestones under his horse’s hooves glistening in the first rays of the morning sun, still wet from last night’s rain. He doesn’t mind Fhirdiad like this, calm and still, most residents asleep. Usually he races through the city, pushing his horse just a bit faster than he should, desperate for the relative peace and quiet within the castle walls. But today he lingers, taking his time as he approaches the massive gates.

Returning to the capital after a long visit to Fraldarius doesn’t usually feel like this. Quite the opposite, in fact. The first sight of the city walls on the horizon usually brings with it a wave of relief. He always starts itching, somewhat literally, to get back after he’s been away from Fhirdiad for too long. These past few days have been no different. Felix has been jumpy, easily agitated, and quick to anger even by his standards.

Not that fifteen days is a long time by any reasonable measurement, he reminds himself as he enters the sprawling castle grounds. It’s just longer than he’s accustomed to being gone is all, and work always piles up in his absence. Running a continent will always feel magnitudes more urgent than whatever nonsense pulls him back to his duchy, and for this reason (and this reason alone) returning to Dimitri’s side always feels like coming home. 

But today as the castle looms into view, pale and grey in the predawn mist, any relief he might have felt is overshadowed by a creeping sense of foreboding. 

It’s not that he doesn’t want to get back- putting it off any longer would surely feel worse than confronting it head on. It’s why he rode off alone so early this morning. He’ll be in the castle by first light and will have the entire day to start cleaning up whatever mess is waiting for him. 

_Maybe there won’t be anything to clean up_ , a small part of him can’t stop thinking. Over the last few days he hasn’t been able to fully relinquish the fanciful hope that he will find Dimitri exactly the same as he’d left him. 

It would be nice. And not even completely outside the realm of possibility. Dimitri has been doing better lately, and has made so much progress. He is in a very different place than he was when disaster struck two years ago. Maybe Felix won’t have to start from scratch with Dimitri, won’t be stuck picking up the pieces of his oldest friend yet again. 

It would be really fucking nice, because frankly, he’s not even sure he can go through all of that again without shattering himself.

He rounds the final corner into the stables and there he is, sitting on a low stone wall. Felix’s breath hitches as a small and very tentative flash of hope sparks within him. Dimitri is here waiting for him, which means he is not locked away in his rooms, pacing, muttering to himself and breaking things as he had been in the worst of the scenarios he’s envisioned.

He’s wearing his hair half pulled back, which suits him, another good sign. It’s clean, too, as are the navy tunic and gray trousers he wears beneath his cape. Dimitri hears him as he draws closer and looks up, and the happiness on his face is so sincere that Felix can help neither the small smile he gives in return nor the familiar warm feeling rising in his chest. He pushes the latter aside reflexively, a lingering memory of something long ago repressed. 

For a fleeting moment he forgets to worry, but then Dimitri opens his mouth.

“Felix!” he calls out, grinning, “it is _wonderful_ to see you,” and Felix’s heart sinks, because Dimitri is doing his phony, everything-is-fine voice that he only does when everything is decidedly _not fine_. It’s too loud, too cheerful, and there’s an edge of panic to it that nearly triggers his fight or flight response every time.

 _Fuck._ He’d been expecting it, but the realization still crashes into him with the force of an avalanche. He feels sick that Dimitri’s appearance had him fooled even for a moment. Why had he ever let himself believe there was a chance this wouldn’t happen?

How foolish. Of course the news about the professor sent Dimitri spiraling. _Of course_ he is still in love with her. He’d been stupid to expect anything different. 

“Dimitri,” he says, willing his voice to remain steady. “You’re upset.”

Dimitri’s phony smile falters for a fraction of a second. “Ah, no, nothing is wrong, Felix. Apologies if I seem a bit on edge, I’m merely happy to see you. You were gone for so long.”

“Enough of that,” Felix mumbles, as he dismounts. “Have you been sleeping?” At this point he knows better than to expect Dimitri to tell him the source of his problem, but he’s usually honest about the symptoms.

“Oh yes,” Dimitri says as Felix removes his gloves and pulls his bag loose. “And eating on schedule, and drinking the tea Mercedes recommended every night, before you ask.”

“Good,” Felix says, and it is. He slings his bag over his shoulder and moves to head out of the stable, but Dimitri blocks his path. His eye is glued to Felix’s, an unfamiliar light in it that sets Felix on edge. Anxious, expectant, almost.

Something is definitely wrong.

They walk in an uneasy silence for a few moments. Dimitri fiddles with his hands, his eye darts over to Felix every couple of steps. Felix knows because his eyes do the same, waiting for the next crack to show.

“You were gone quite a long time,” Dimitri says again, quietly.

Felix feels his face heating up and scowls. “It wasn’t that long.”

Dimitri reddens, looks down. “Ah, you are right. Forgive my foolishness.” His voice is strained.

Felix grabs his arm, jerking him to a stop. “Dimitri, be honest with me. You’re not…you’re not having your head problem are you?”

Dimitri sighs. “No Felix, there is no danger of that at the moment.”

His eyes search Dimitri’s face before he answers. He _really_ doesn’t look like he’s having an episode. There are no dark circles under his eyes, no scratch marks on his cheeks. Just a strange, anxious shine in his eye that, while far from reassuring, is not one of his telltale crisis signs. “You’d better not be lying.”

“I’m not lying, I promise you, Felix.” 

Felix nods. _Say something kind_ , he commands himself as they begin walking again. He grinds his teeth, forces himself to look at Dimitri. “I... didn’t like being gone that long.”

Something inscrutable flashes across Dimitri’s face for a fraction of a second, but it’s gone before Felix can make sense of it. He sounds a bit less tense when he responds, “I felt the same, Felix.”

Felix reddens, as a familiar flutter stirs in his chest. He forces the feeling down, immediately, reflexively. He looks at the ground and prays Dimitri hasn’t noticed. 

Anyway, it’s not like Felix missed _Dimitri_. He didn’t miss taking their meals together, as he much prefers to eat alone. And he’s able to focus much better during meetings without getting distracted by their meaningful glances, or their weird, whispered jokes that sound nonsensical anyone else. He barely thought at all about the feeling of Dimitri’s arm brushing against his, or their knees bumping under the table when they sit just a little too close. And he definitely didn’t miss their late, sleepless nights in Dimitri’s study, or the way his face looks in the soft glow of candlelight.

What he missed was their shared work, he reminds himself not for the first time. 

And Dimitri misses the professor, still, apparently, despite the years that have passed since the thing between them ended, and despite Felix’s best efforts to force Dimitri to move on with his life. 

_Only so much you can do to help someone who won’t even tell you they’re in pain._

* * *

Things are...different now than they were the first time the professor broke Dimitri’s heart.

Dimitri is deeply upset, that much is obvious. Felix is _irate_ that no one else has noticed, he has half a mind to walk into Gustave’s office and fire him on the spot for failing to intervene earlier. But even Felix has to admit that Dimitri’s feelings are manifesting in a way that he’s never seen before, in a way that, if he didn’t know any better, would make him think that Dimitri’s issue is with _him_ and not the professor.

When Felix catches his gaze during their first meeting of the day, something about a continental census, he is caught completely off guard. Dimitri’s stare is intense, his brow furrowed, his eye is bright. He leans forward onto his elbows almost as if he’s trying to get as close as he can to Felix to take a better look. It’s so unlike the effortless glances they usually share. His gaze is expectant, somehow, like he’s waiting for Felix to do a flip or catch fire or something.

_If he keeps staring like that I actually might._

Felix has gotten used to Dimitri looking at him. They look at each other quite a bit these days. During meetings, Dimitri always looks at him attentively while he’s speaking and they exchange glances while he’s not, more passing between their eyes than can be shared out loud with the others in the room. When Dimitri gets the jitters while speaking in front of a crowd he’ll often find Felix’s eyes among the many. And sometimes when they’re sitting together, reviewing something together or working separately in silence, Felix looks to Dimitri and finds his eye already on him, clearly lost in thought. Dimitri startles and gives him a sheepish little smile and Felix tells him to fuck off and get back to work, and hopes beyond hope that Dimitri doesn’t notice his cheeks turning pink. 

Felix is completely used to all of this. Eye contact with Dimitri no longer makes him uncomfortable and it _certainly_ doesn’t make his chest feel warm and tight and fluttery anymore. Most of the time.

But it’s different today. Dimitri isn’t just looking at Felix more than normal. He is _watching_ him. 

Every time Felix’s eyes flit to his left they’re met with Dimitri’s, without fail, expression the same. So he looks determinedly ahead, focusing a similar amount of energy on not looking at Dimitri as he does on the meeting itself. But still he feels Dimitri’s gaze on him, so intensely that he’s sure others in the meeting must have noticed. It does not take long for this to get annoying, and not long after that for it to become infuriating.

(It’s also just the tiniest bit exciting, capturing Dimtiri’s attention like this. A shadow of a thrill goes through him every time he caves and his gaze shoots over to find Dimitri watching him. His words in the meeting feel weightier, every gesture more significant knowing he has Dimitri’s rapt attention. He touches his face, drums his fingers and fiddles with the end of his ponytail a great deal more than usual. 

He’s not usually so self-conscious, and is horrified that the feeling isn’t entirely a bad one. 

_Get a grip,_ he tells himself as he realizes he’s been sucking on the end of his pen for the last thirty seconds. _Stop being so fucking pathetic.)_

The meeting comes to an end after what feels like hours. As the committee members are filing out, Felix approaches Dimitri, still seated, and leans over him, bracing himself on the table. “What’s wrong with you?” he whispers, somewhat harsher than he intended. “Don’t make me ask again.”

Now Dimitri won’t meet his eyes. “There is something I need to discuss with you,” he admits, cautious, “but now is not the time.”

“Like _hell_ it’s not.” 

“Felix, please.” He looks up, his voice is desperate. “I will tell you later this evening, you have my word. But now is _not_ the time, please trust me.” 

Felix’s eyes narrow as they search Dimitri’s pleading face. “Fine,” he says after a moment. “But you have to pull yourself together until then. Stop staring at me like you’re waiting for me to combust or something, it’s driving me mad.”

Dimitri swallows and nods. “I- I apologize Felix, I didn’t realize I was bothering you. I suppose I have never been able to hide my worries from you. But I will try to, ahem, pull myself together.”

“Great. See to it that you do.” 

* * *

Dimitri does not. In fact, as the day goes on, he only gets more and more visibly anxious. 

They take lunch in the castle’s dining hall, and Felix watches as Dimitri breaks no less than four forks in a row. This has to be some kind of record for him. 

After the fifth one snaps in two in his fidgety hands Felix decides can’t take any more. He whisks both of their bowls away, food untouched, before he remembers that there isn’t anywhere for him to bring them because it’s not his job to bring them anywhere, the castle has staff and _he is a Duke_ who shouldn’t be worrying about dishes, but now he’s responsible for these two plates of meat stew and has to pretend like this was his intention all along.

He takes a quick, deep breath, in an out. Thinking fast, he decides to take them back to the conference room. Maybe he’ll actually be able to eat some of it if he’s not subject to the boar’s nervous breakdown.

He heads for the door. He is almost to it when a familiar figure walks through, who, upon seeing Felix, stops dead, blocking his escape. 

Fucking hell. This is the absolute last thing Felix needs.

“Felix!” exclaims Oscar over the din of the crowded hall. His whole face lights up, his grin spreads from ear to ear. 

“Oscar.” he says through gritted teeth. “Hello. Get out of my way, please.”

“Where are you going?” He does not get out of Felix’s way “I don’t think you’re supposed to bring plates out of the dining hall. But I guess you can do whatever you want, right? You’re so important!” Oscar’s eyes are bright, his smile sincere. It makes Felix nauseous.

“I’m going to the conference room. And you're in my way, so if you don’t mind-”

“Who’s the second bowl for? Is it for me?” he asks, perking up even more at the idea.

“No.”

“Oh,” his face falls. “Okay, you want to be alone. Cool. Well maybe we can eat dinner together tonight!”

“I can’t,” Felix says through clenched teeth.

“Oh...okay." He looks and sounds crestfallen. "I get it. You must be busy…” 

_Ugh._ Felix’s face softens, just a little bit. He hadn’t realized until it was too late that Oscar had developed feelings for him. Or maybe he’d just been determined not to see it because their arrangement was just so _convenient_. It would be cruel to knowingly lead someone on, and Felix is not a cruel person, deep down. But it’s undeniable at this point. Oscar is in love with him, head over heels, and the poor fool doesn’t even try to hide it. Felix feels a pang of guilt, similar to how he feels when he accidentally says something mean to Annette.

He has to end this, and soon. He had resolved after the last time they’d messed around that it would never happen again, just as he had resolved the time before that, and the first time. It seems like there is going to have to be an actual conversation about it if he doesn’t want it to drag out. And Felix doesn’t want to drag it out. He has no feelings for Oscar, but he’s a good person, loyal and sweet, and doesn’t deserve that sort of pain. 

Oscar is like a wounded animal that Felix has come across on a hunt - best to slit his throat and put him out of his misery now rather than let him suffer longer than he has to.

“I don’t have a lot of time, but we should talk soon,” Felix says. “Tomorrow. Or the day after. Or maybe next week sometime. Or-”

“Oh, tomorrow is perfect for me! When are you- _AH!_ ” he yelps, all color draining from his face in an instant, his eyes fixed on something over Felix’s shoulder. 

Felix whips around, certain someone’s just been stabbed. What he sees is much worse.

Dimitri is gaping at them, face white as a sheet, one half of his sixth broken fork in each hand. He’s completely frozen, still as a statue, as is Felix as he tries to understand what the _fuck_ is going on. He’s still holding the two bowls of stew.

Oscar is the first of the three of them to move. “I-I-I just remembered I have an urgent- I have to leave immediately. Goodbye,” Felix turns back to him just in time to see a swish of his cloak as he disappears, sprinting down the corridor.

He looks back at Dimitri, who is still frozen. He has no idea what is going on, but it’s making him feel deeply, deeply ill. 

His eyes narrow and he shakes his head. _What the fuck?_ he mouths. 

Dimitri responds by lurching to his feet far too quickly and knocking over his chair with the most jarring crash Felix has ever heard. He doesn’t go anywhere, just stands there staring at Felix with the same stupid expression on his face.

People are beginning to stare when Felix’s legs finally start working again. He turns on his heel and walks out of the dining hall as fast as he can without raising further alarm. He dumps the stew out an open window and ignores the angry shouts from the courtyard below as he races to the council room as fast as he can.

What the _fuck_ is wrong with Dimitri?

His behavior makes no sense. None at all. Felix expected Dimitri to be broken, miserable, caved in on himself like the Garreg Mach cathedral ruins. Usually during his episodes Dimitri can’t see anyone but himself and his ghosts, whoever they may be. 

Today it’s as if he can see no one but Felix. 

Which is not something that Felix is prepared to deal with. Because it’s not something he’s ever had to deal with before. He’s gotten quite used to being taken for granted, to feeling invisible at Dimitri’s side, which is fine. Really. It is. Especially when compared to _this_.

His mind spins a mile a minute trying to make sense of it.

Maybe...maybe upon hearing the news about the professor, Dimtiri assumed that Felix would assume that Dimitri was having a breakdown, and Dimitri wouldn’t want to worry Felix despite being in the midst of a breakdown, and so Dimitri’s odd behavior is him trying to hide his breakdown from Felix while simultaneously monitoring Felix to make sure that he hasn’t caught wind of said breakdown.

Felix shakes his head and massages his brow. Now he has a headache on top of everything else. 

And that can’t be right, in any case. Does not explain whatever is happening between Dimitri and Oscar.

Oscar...Oscar…

_Wait._

Felix’s stomach drops.

 _No_.

His mouth tastes of metal. 

No. It _can’t_ be.

The corners of his vision darken.

_It can’t be._

There is no way, _no way_ that word has gotten out about him and Oscar. Felix has been careful, _so careful_ since this whole mistake started, he knows the names of every single guard who may have been anywhere near Oscar’s quarters while he was there. You would have to be the most seasoned spy in Fodlan to even...

But of course, Dimitri has a whole network of seasoned spies at his beck and call...

Felix’s is finding it difficult to breathe. This _can’t_ be happening. It has to be about the professor. It _has to_ be. She’s one of only two people who Felix has ever seen make Dimitri come apart like this, the other one has been dead since the war’s end. If this was about Felix it surely wouldn’t be affecting Dimitri so deeply. Dimitri just doesn’t care about him that much, their feelings towards each other have always been lopsided, Felix has made his peace with it and gotten over it. It has not made him want to cry for a very long time. In fact, at this moment the reminder of Dimitri’s indifference comes as a relief.

Perhaps… perhaps Dimitri had an outburst during a meeting and misdirected some of his grief over the professor at Oscar. That would explain why Oscar is so terrified of Dimitri, explains why Dimitri was startled at the sight of Felix talking to Oscar, and even explains why Dimitri has been acting so strangely toward Felix all day. 

Yes...yes, this all fits. He must want to tell Felix himself before he hears it from someone else, so he can explain, so he can stop Felix from jumping to conclusions and taking things into his own hands. He hates it when Felix does things like cancel his unnecessary meetings or delegate out his paperwork that really shouldn’t be the king’s responsibility in the first place. Dimitri _hates_ feeling like a burden on others, always resists being taken care of, and his strange behavior is simply his attempt to stop Felix from doing it anyways. 

That’s it. That _has_ to be it. Or something that...

Felix inhales deeply, in through his nose and out through his mouth a few times until his breathing has steadied. Scolds himself for panicking about such an implausible nightmare scenario when the most likely cause of Dimitri’s behavior is right in front of him. He’s not usually one to jump to ridiculous conclusions, feels quite disappointed in himself for allowing Dimitri to once again stir up an overemotional reaction. 

By the time the other lords and ladies start filing in for the next meeting of the day Felix is breathing normally. By the time Dimitri gets there his face is back to its normal shade and his expression stony as he determinedly looks anywhere but at him.

The rest of the day’s meetings pass in a haze. It seems that he and Dimitri have had the same idea to pretend the other doesn’t exist. Felix doesn’t feel his eyes on him once, and on the one occasion he allows his eyes to flit to his left Dimitri is looking steadily down into his lap. Neither of them speaks much. 

Time somehow passes both too quickly and slowly at the same time. Felix knows this because glances at the clock about once every thirty seconds. His leg bounces, he bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood. _How have only ten minutes passed? How is there only an hour left until I have to talk to Dimitri?_

“Duke Fraldarius?”

Felix nearly jumps out of his chair. “ _What?_ ”

Dedue blinks at him. “Apologies, your grace. I asked for your opinion on the matter at hand.”

“My opinion on…”

“Yes. On the grain subsidy question we were discussing.”

“Right,” Felix looks around the room, finds twenty pairs of expectant eyes on him, and a single one boring a hole into the massive table. “I agree with Dimitri.”

“His majesty has not given his opinion on the matter yet,” Dedue deadpans. “I assume the two of you have discussed it in private. Your highness?”

Dimitri’s head jerks up. “What was that?”

“What was your opinion on increasing the grain subsidy for the Ordelia, Myrddin and Hrym territories through the Blue Sea Moon? Due to the droughts that have plagued the region this summer.”

“Ah…” Dimitri rubs his chin, brow furrowed. “I agree with Duke Fraldarius.” 

Felix only barely suppresses the urge to slam his head into the table.

He has got to hand it to Dedue, his patience with Dimitri is endless. “I see,” Dedue says, his face impassive as ever, betraying no hint of exasperation. “It has been a long day and it is unseasonably warm. Perhaps it would be best to adjourn for the day and enjoy the nice weather, your highness?”

Dimitri looks confused but after a moment he nods and rises from the conference table, indicating to all that the meeting is over. The lords and ladies start gathering their things, shooting covert glances at Dimitri as he approaches Felix.

“Duke Fraldarius. A word in my study, if you would?”

Felix exhales. There’s no more putting it off. “Alright.”

He can feel the rest of the eyes in the room on him as he stalks after Dimitri, but has very little energy to care about anything other than what’s about to happen. The closer they get to Dimitri’s study the more Felix’s anxiety grows. He feels rather like he did this morning approaching Fhirdiad, completely clueless as to what he would find behind the door at the end of his journey, only able to imagine the worst. 

His heart is racing as Dimitri closes the door behind them. 

“Please, sit down,” Dimitri says.

Felix takes one look at the chair facing directly across from Dimitri. “No thanks.”

Dimitri gives him a look. “Very well.” He takes his seat behind his massive desk with a sigh. “I was not sure whether or not I should broach this subject with you, Felix. I have gone back and forth several times over the last few days, but in the end I have decided that this is the best course of action. If you hear what I have to say and disagree, if you think I should have said nothing, then I apologize, in advance. I hope you will forgive me.”

Felix’s stomach lurches. “I’ll decide after you spit it out.”

Dimitri looks down, nods gravely. “I understand, Felix. Please know that in bringing this to you I do not expect any sort of explanation on your part. You need not provide any justification or further details. If you do not even want to respond I would not begrudge you for walking out the door after I have said my piece. Unless you want to, of course. Talk about it, that is.”

He looks at Felix expectantly, waiting for a response. Felix scowls, tension building within him each second Dimitri dawdles. “I can’t talk to you about something that I don’t know anything about.”

“Very well.” Dimitri folds his hands, places them upon his desk. “I received some intelligence in my report last week that took me by surprise. Intelligence concerning you.”

“Oh.” It’s as if the room suddenly shrinks to half its size. Felix’s mouth goes completely dry, his throat constricts.

He walks slowly over to the window, desperate to put some more distance between himself and Dimitri. Not like it will ever be enough.

“So you’re having me tailed now, huh?” Somehow, miraculously, his voice remains steady.

“What?” Dimitri says, startled. “No, Felix of course not!”

“Oh.” He picks at the peeling paint on the window sill. “For a second I thought you made a smart decision without my help.”

“Hah,” Dimitri gives him a small, pained smile. “You know I am lost without you, Felix,” he says in a way that makes his chest feel warm despite himself. It makes him want to hit Dimitri even more than he already does. “No, this intelligence came from one of our tails on a different lord. On Lord Itha.”

The warmth fades, and his last sliver of hope fades away. His vision begins to blur. He peels back more of the paint, something in his brain suddenly very determined to strip the window sill bare.

Dimitri continues, sounding almost apologetic. “I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that tailing him was your idea.”

Of course he didn’t need the reminder. It was a good idea, a steady stream of intel on an inexperienced new leader in a region that had given the crown nothing but trouble. Anyone with half a brain would have done the same.

_And apparently you only have half a brain. How stupid do you have to be to accidentally spy on yourself?_

Maybe, just maybe, this is about something else, anything else. He keeps his back turned and does his best to keep his voice steady. “And? What was it that you heard?”

“I do not think I need to tell you, Felix.”

He does not need to look up to feel Dimitri’s eye piercing him. It would hurt less if Dimitri ran him through with a lance.

“Yes, you do,” Felix whispers.

Dimitri sighs, grimaces. _Why is this so difficult for him_ , part of him wonders, but the thought is drowned out by the blood pounding in his ears. “It has been brought to my attention that you and Lord Itha have been conducting a romantic affair.” The words seem to cause him physical pain.

Felix feels absolutely nothing. He lifts his gaze to meet Dimitri’s.

That’s it, then. There’s no use trying to lie.

His ears ring. The room spins around him. 

For a moment he’s frozen, staring down the bridge of his nose at Dimitri, who stares back at him, blue eye wide and pleading. For what, Felix doesn’t know. _How is his eye so blue?_ It’s the only clear thought his mind is capable of forming. _How is that color humanly possible?_ It’s not the first time he’s asked himself that question. 

He used to let himself drown in the blue of Dimitri’s eyes all the time, back when he’d had two of them. Back before Felix had realized that what he feels in his chest around Dimitri is not hatred, nor disgust, nor rage, or, at least, isn’t _just_ rage. The realization of what the feeling was had only made the rage worse for a time, but it became easier to deal with towards the end of the war when he finally stopped resenting Dimitri for what he'd done to him. 

Once he accepted responsibility he made the logical decision to stop having those feelings entirely. The fluttering in his stomach, the warm tightness in his chest that he still feels from time to time are just residual now, of course. Squished down into virtually nothing so that he could stand beside Dimitri again, first as his comrade, then as his right hand and finally, impossibly, as his friend.

All for nothing, now. Because now that Dimitri knows that he is gay, surely he’s connected the dots and realized that Felix had been in love with him for the better part of their entire lives.

_It’s over._

“Felix,” Dimitri says, his name cutting through the silence like a knife. “I know I said that I wouldn’t ask your for-”

“Are you going to send me away?” Felix asks, voice breaking on the last syllable. 

Dimitri’s eye goes wide. “What? No! Felix- do you really think I could, or that I would ever- _how_ could you even ask me that?” 

Felix exhales, hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath. “You’re not?”

“Of course not, Felix!”

“Oh, alright. Good.” He feels very strange. Lighter, almost. 

“Do you _really_ think so little of me, Felix?” Dimitri asks, sounding rather hurt.

Felix frowns. “I didn’t really think you would, but...” he trails off, looking away.

Dimitri’s voice softens. “Ah, yes. I understand your...feelings towards me, Felix.” 

His stomach drops. _Here it comes. Of course he has to say it out loud._ And Felix can’t move a muscle, can’t say a word to stop him.

Dimitri continues. “They are natural, I suppose,”

_He pities me, he thinks I’m pathetic, and he's right, I’m fucking pathetic._

“- though unfounded.”

“You’re wrong- wait, what?” His head snaps back up. Unfounded? _What’s that supposed to mean?_

“Yes, _completely_ unfounded, Felix,” Dimitri says adamantly. “I would _never_ judge you for being attracted to other men, nor would any of our friends, I assure you. _Never-_ but I suppose I understand. _Ah,_ ” he closes his eye and shakes his head. “I am so, so sorry, Felix. Faerghus can be a backwards place sometimes, but know that I do not subscribe to any of those antiquated prejudices.”

Oh. Maybe Dimitri doesn’t have Felix’s feelings figured out after all. His previous feelings, that is. 

A tentative wave of relief washes over him, but it’s short lived. Because Dimitri obviously wants to _talk_ about this, which is almost worse than his stupid crush- stupid _former_ crush- being found out. “Oh, well, uh. Stop apologizing, it’s obviously my problem and not yours. Just- just don’t worry about it, okay?”

Dimitri continues to worry about it. He leans forward onto his elbows, he runs a hand through his hair. “Forgive me I had no idea. If I had I, well, I would not have let you feel that way. I would not have let you go through it alone.”

Felix turns away, his throat burning. He can’t look Dimitri in the eye, the softness in his expression is making his stomach hurt. “I wasn’t totally alone,” he mumbles. “Annette knows.”

Inexplicably, Dimitri’s expression darkens at the mention of her name. 

“Ah, of course,” he says, his brow furrowed. “I should have known.”

Felix scowls. If he didn’t know any better he would think Dimitri had something against Annette. “What-are you _upset_? What’s your problem?”

Dimitri changes instantly. “My _problem_?” His face goes stony, he sits back. Looks away from Felix, jaw clenched. “I have no problem, Felix, it is just I… I consider you a dear friend. And I thought you considered me the same.” 

Felix shakes his head. Dimitri is making _no_ sense. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Please forgive me if I’ve misinterpreted our relationship,” Dimitri says, avoiding his eyes.

“Shut up. _Shut up_ , Dimitri. Of course we’re friends.”

“Hm.” He crosses his arms.

“Are you- are you _angry_ that I didn’t tell you?” Felix can hardly dare to believe it. “I didn’t tell anyone!”

“You just said that you told Annette,” Dimitri says, looking pointedly out the window.

“She forced it out of me, you know how she is.”

“Hm.”

“So you _are_ mad that I didn’t tell you.” Felix is somewhat aware that he is raising his voice, but can't bring himself to care. 

“No, Felix, I am not angry that you didn’t tell me,” he says sadly. “I suppose I was taken a bit off guard at hearing this information from a spy and not from you.”

Felix is stunned. The absolute _gall_. “ _Why_ would I tell you?”

Dimitri frowns. “Because I would have told you, if it were me.”

“Hah!” Felix can't contain a bitter laugh. “Unbelievable! You are _unbelievable_.”

“Excuse me?”

“You would not have told me!”

“Of course I would have. I tell you everything, _everything-_ ”

Felix cannot believe what he is hearing. “No you don’t-”

“You know _everything_ about me,” Dimitri exclaims, rising from his chair and leaning across his desk, gesturing wildly. “And I _thought_ I knew everything about you. I- I consider you my closest friend, Felix, and I thought you felt the same about me, but it seems I was mistaken. I apologize, sincerely, for misinterpreting things between us, I will not presume that our bond is such again.”

“ _Fuck you_ , Dimitri,” Felix yells, and Dimitri finally, _finally_ shuts up. “When have _you_ ever told _me_ anything? Not even after you- you,” he shouldn’t say it, _he shouldn’t say it_ , he can’t hold it back, “you _fucked_ our _professor_ for _months_ and you didn’t tell me a thing. Not even after it ended and I dragged you back from the brink like the fucking animal you are. I watched over you day and night and you didn’t tell me _shit_.”

Dimitri’s eye is wide, his mouth opens and closes silently. “You- I- you knew about Byleth?”

Hearing him admit it, hearing him say her name out loud for the first time is utterly horrifying, like seeing a monster from a recurring nightmare in real life. He feels nauseous, his voice shakes. “ _Of course_ I knew. How couldn’t I know?”

“I- I thought...we hid it from everyone. I thought we were discrete.”

“Oh _she_ was.” Felix says. “But you’ve never done anything discrete in your life. You’ve never been able to hide your feelings.” 

“No, I suppose I haven’t," Dimitri says softly, collapsing back into his chair. "Not from you.” 

Felix’s stomach twists. “It’s never stopped you from trying.” _Fuck it._ If they’re going to have this conversation, they might as well _really_ have it. “You’ve always shut me out. When we found you in the ruins, after I thought you were dead for five years, for five _fucking_ years, Dimitri, you wouldn’t say a word to me.” Dimitri shrinks, Felix does not stop. “And when we were at the monastery, after Edelgard turned out to be the Flame Emperor, what about then, huh? I didn’t even know she was your sister! And the whole time we were in school you were in so much pain, like a sick animal pretending to be human, and you never said a thing. Did you know how you looked, Dimitri? Do you have _any idea_ what it was like to have to look at you like that _every fucking day_?”

“Felix..”

“At first I thought you felt nothing but hatred. I thought you really were just a rabid animal out for blood. After my father died I realized that wasn’t true. You were hateful, sure, but there was more than that. You just hid it from _me._ You talked to the professor, and Dedue, Mercedes and Annette and Marianne. _Everyone_ , except me.”

“Oh come now, Felix,” Dimitri snaps, finally coming out of his stupor. “You wouldn’t even let me near you then. You would have stabbed me clean through if I’d come to you and tried to talk about my _feelings._ ”

_I would have listened, I would have, if you’d just tried. I was waiting for you to try, and you never did._

Felix shakes his head. “What about Duscur, then? We were best friends, Dimitri, my brother died for you, and you wouldn’t talk to me, you wouldn’t even look at me for months.”

“I- I know," Dimitri says, his voice shaking. "I was not myself then, I can hardly remember that time, in all honesty. But I remember you.” His eye pierces Felix again, full of sorrow. “Your sadness, but mostly your anger. I was angry too, I was so angry, at myself, for surviving when my father, and Glenn...so naturally I thought…”

“You thought I hated you too,” Felix finishes for him. “You shut me out because you expected me to blame you.” 

Dimitri nods.

Felix’s hands ball into fists. It makes perfect sense. He should have realized. _How_ had he not realized? “You always have been just as stupid as you look. You should have told me. You didn’t have to put it all on yourself like that. It was selfish.”

“I know,” Dimitri says softly. “I’m sorry.”

Felix is furious, mostly because he knows that Dimitri had probably been right. Felix had been so, _so_ angry after Glenn died, looking for someone, anyone to blame. It’s shameful, it makes him sick, but he can’t lie to himself and pretend that he’d never directed any of that rage at Dimitri. Can’t lie to Dimitri either.

He realizes he’s being unfair. He groans. “It’s okay. We were kids. It was awful, we were both awful, but it wasn’t your fault.”

Dimitri says nothing. Looks down at his hands.

“Look I’m sorry okay?” Felix tentatively approaches Dimitri’s desk. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s in the past, I’ve moved on. You should too.”

“Yes. You are right, as always, Felix. I cannot change the things I did when I was twelve.”

“I know, I’m not asking you to-”

“And you cannot change the way you treated me at the monastery, and during the war.”

Felix falters. “I- I know.”

“You seem to think it would have been easy for me to open up to you then, but you wouldn’t even say my name, Felix.”

“I know, _I know_.” His voice wobbles. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.” 

Something changes in Dimitri’s eyes. “I know you are sorry, Felix, though I believe this is the first time I’ve heard you say it.”

“What? No, I must have…” Felix trails off as he realizes that this is, in fact, the first time he’s apologized to Dimitri. _How_ could that have happened? 

Dimitri gives him a sad smile. “Please do not think that I bear a grudge. I understand, now, why you treated me as you did.”

Felix knows he means it. Dimitri has never once held it against him how terrible he’d been before. How selfish, how _cruel_ to punish Dimitri for failing a test he hadn’t even known he was taking. It was _so_ unfair. Dimitri had done nothing to deserve it.

And Felix will never deserve him.

“I only bring this up,” Dimitri continues, “to illustrate that perhaps there have been times when each of us has made it difficult for us to be fully honest with each other.” He pauses. “That is not to say we should sit here and work out the score.”

If they did work out the score, Dimitri would win. He must know that. 

“No,” Felix says, his voice ragged. “I want to move on.”

“As do I. As I said, Felix, I value your friendship a great deal. There was a time when I thought that to call you my friend again was an impossible dream. I...I want to make this work, between us.”

Felix’s heart thuds. _He didn’t mean it that way, idiot_. “I... yes. So do I.”

“How do you suggest we proceed?”

Felix would very much like to proceed out of the door and into his quarters for the next year or so, but knows he can’t leave this unfinished. “I...I don’t know.” 

Dimitri sighs. “Very well. It seems to me that both of us have been unintentionally harboring some resentment towards the other, and there are things to say that should have been said years ago. My proposal to you, then, is that we resolve to talk to each other more.”

When Felix says nothing, Dimitri continues hastily. “That is not to say- I do not expect you to tell me absolutely everything. And if you are uncomfortable with this then I will not push you, my only hope is that we can remain friends as we were. Ah,” he runs a hand through his hair, cheeks turning pink. “I fear I have already pushed too far. It was selfish of me to force you to discuss your relationship before you were ready to. I am sorry, Felix, I am so deeply sorry-”

“Stop it. You were upset. It would have been worse if you hadn’t brought it up.”

“Even still,” Dimitri says, harried, “I should not have reacted the way that I did. It is natural for you to have secrets, of course. It was selfish. I...I should not have made this about me.”

 _It was already about you._ “As if I’m not used to you making everything about yourself,” Felix scoffs. “But still...I guess I’m glad we talked about it. About all of it.” 

This is the truth, at least for the moment. He’s still reeling a bit but he feels lighter than he has in a long time. Dimitri’s apology meant more than he thought it would.

Dimitri’s eye widens. “You are?”

Felix’s stomach twists. He groans, crossing his arms, eyes flitting out the window. “ _Yes_. I feel a bit better, okay? And… it wouldn’t be the worst thing for us to talk like this more often.” He shoots a glare at Dimitri. “Don’t make me say it again.”

The smile that breaks across Dimitri’s face is far too much to bear, so Felix looks away again. “Ah, Felix, that is a relief to hear. I am so glad that our conversation has relieved some of your burden. And I look forward to speaking with you like this again. Please know that you can talk with me about this at any time. I-” he breaks off. Felix turns back to see him pause, frown, steel himself before he begins speaking again. “I will understand better than most, I think.”

Felix frowns. “What do you mean?”

Dimitri will not meet his eyes. “I mean,” he says, carefully, “that your interest in other men is something that you and I share.”

Felix cannot process this. “Something we share.”

Dimitri looks up at him. “Yes.”

This can’t be right. “But you...but you and the professor.”

“Ah, yes. I suppose I, ah, swing both ways, as they say.” 

Felix doesn’t know anyone who says that. “Swing both ways.”

“Yes. As in, I am attracted to both women and men. And everything else, I suppose.”

“You suppose.”

“Ah- I know. I know.”

“You know. How do you know?” Felix demands. Suddenly he is overcome by the mental image of Dimitri with some tall, handsome, better-at-sword-fighting-than-Felix stranger, of Dimitri pushing him up against a wall, lifting him of his feet, his legs wrapping around his waist as Dimitri presses hot, wet kisses along the curve of his throat. The room feels very warm all of a sudden, and much smaller than he remembers. 

Dimitri frowns a little. “I...am not sure how to answer that. I don’t think I need to explain to you how it feels to be attracted to someone. Though I cannot say I have the most experience in that regard, I’ve not been with anyone since Byleth- wait, were you asking me if I’ve...if I’ve slept with another man?” Dimitri goes beet red faster than Felix has ever seen.

Felix breathes again, having forgotten to for the last minute or so, and curses himself. The knowledge that Dimitri has not been with another man should _not_ be the relief to him that it is. 

The feeling is fleeting, however, as he realizes that he just asked Dimitri about his sex life. “No, of course not, nevermind,” he sputters, face reddening to match Dimitri’s. “So that’s why you didn’t tell me?”

Dimitri winces. “Yes, this is another area where it seems I’ve been a bit unfair. I apologize, again, Felix, expecting you to share your orientation with me without sharing my own.”

“You don’t- stop apologizing.”

“Of course, I apologize- _oh_ -” he breaks off with a sheepish grin that makes Felix’s heart flutter. He doesn’t push it aside right away, this time. “No, I never had a reason to tell anyone. Although, I suppose the feeling alone should have been reason enough. It has made me feel...rather lonely, at times. Perhaps you know the feeling.”

Felix’s gaze flits downward away from Dimitri. “Yeah,” he mumbles. 

Dimitri exhales. His expression softens, his eye crinkles around its edge as he smiles sadly. “I thought you might. I am so- that is to say, I understand. Had I known I...I would not have let you feel that way."

Felix makes a face but says nothing even as his chest blooms with warmth. He is not as quick to suppress it as usual.

 _Stupid_ , he tells himself, _this hasn’t changed anything._

But now it’s possible. It’s possible… Felix hasn’t let himself think about it, not for years, strictly as a method of self-preservation. Every carefully refined impulse his brain screams at him not to break the habit now. 

But it can’t hurt can it? To imagine, just for a second, a glimpse of a future where he and Dimitri are...

Felix shakes his head. He flushes and looks away. He tries his best to sound disinterested. “So what happened with the professor anyway?” 

Dimitri blinks. “Yes, I suppose I should… well, in truth, nothing really happened,” he says, with a hint of sadness in his voice. “The war ended and we both realized it was not meant to be. I suppose I needed her, a bit, back then. You remember what I was like, how I am sometimes.”

“I remember.” 

“Yes, of course you do,” he says, even more sadly. “I came to rely on her, and she on me. Possibly a bit too much, on my part at least. In the end it was impossible to sustain that kind of relationship with hundreds of miles between us. She has her obligations at the monastery, and I have mine here.” He looks up at Felix with a rueful smile. “I suppose that’s why relationships between teachers and students are discouraged.”

Felix looks at him for a moment. “That’s not why they’re discouraged.”

Dimitri laughs. “No, probably not,” he says. He meets Felix’s eyes again, and the fondness of his smile, the sheer warmth emanating from his one good eye is almost too much for Felix to bear. Inexplicable tears fill his eyes and he looks away quickly. _What is wrong with you_ , he thinks to himself. 

Thankfully Dimitri doesn’t seem to have noticed, or at least he knows better than to acknowledge it if he had. He allows the silence between them to sit for a moment. It’s not an awkward silence but it’s not a comfortable one either, like Felix is used to having with Dimitri. Something more needs to be said, and as much as Felix still wants to run through the door, he is not done here.

“Well, now you know my secrets.” Dimitri finally says. “All of them, this time, I promise you. I am sorry that I did not tell you sooner. I feel like quite the hypocrite, demanding that you tell me all about your proclivities and your love affair while hiding my own from you.”

Felix bristles. “It’s not a- don’t call it a _love affair_.”

Dimitri’s eye widens a bit. “No? Have I misunderstood?”

“No, you haven’t,” he says brow furrowed. “But it’s not- it doesn’t mean anything to me okay? It's not serious. I don’t care about him more than any of our other vassals. It’s just fucking.” 

Dimitri reddens again. “Just...fucking,” he repeats after a moment, sounding out the word as if it’s another language. It sounds so out of place coming from Dimitri’s mouth that Felix can’t help but laugh.

“Yes. Just fucking,” he says. “You were friends with Sylvain when we were at school, so I know you’re familiar with the idea. I’m not in love with him, I don’t even particularly like him. He’s too loud, he laughs at his own jokes, he always has to be the center of attention. Pathetic,” he spits out the last part with quite a bit more vitriol than is warranted. But it’s important, so important in this moment that Dimitri understands that Oscar means less than nothing to him. 

Something lights up behind Dimitri’s eye, and he’s still blushing as he stammers, “Ah- well, that’s- good. That’s good.” 

A pause. They stare at each other. 

_Good_. 

Felix’s mind is blank.

Dimitri’s mouth falls open slightly as he realizes what he’s said. “That is to say, I mean, not good,” he sputters. “I just mean that, ah, you can do better, Felix. In my opinion. You could do much better than him.” He shuts his mouth and gives Felix a nervous smile that makes him believe his chest is going to explode at any moment. 

“I know,” he says.

Silence, as they stare at each other across the enormous oak desk. Felix can’t tear his eyes away from Dimitri’s, which betrays an emotion just shy of utter terror. His mind runs in circles.

_He’s panicking. He’s panicking because he said that to me._

Felix’s heart is beating a mile a minute, surely Dimitri can hear it from where he’s sitting, the desk isn’t that big after all, even for how insurmountable it seems right now. Felix has to say something, _anythin_ g, before it gives him away.

“I would say the same to you, but you probably can’t do better than the professor.” 

Dimitri laughs, perhaps a bit too loudly. “I’m well aware, though I can’t help but keep my hopes up,” he quickly looks away and clears his throat. “In any case, Felix, you must know that I only want you to be happy, that is all. You- your friendship is…very dear to me. I- I care about you a great deal.” 

Dimitri’s voice is soft and earnest. Usually Felix would roll his eyes and scold him for this level of sentimentality, but there’s something in his eye that stops him. His chest aches. He wishes he could return Dimitri’s sincerity, now of all times, but the prickle in the back of his throat stops him. 

_Good,_ Dimitri had said.

“I know,” is all Felix can say, again, quietly, willing his voice not to break.

A pregnant silence hangs between them. Something is different now. There’s something more there, a flickering glimpse of something just beneath the surface that neither of them can name.

Dimitri stands up suddenly at the same time Felix says, “I’m going to leave now.”

He sits back down. “Yes, very well then,” he clears his throat, his voice oddly formal. “That is all I wished to discuss with you so you may take your leave.”

This is the first time Dimitri has ever given him permission to leave, and he seems to realize this as well with a little frown.

 _Good,_ he’d said.

“Right,” Felix says and barely holds himself back from sprinting for the door. Just as he’s about to close it behind him, a wild thought strikes him.

“Dimitri.”

His head snaps up. “Yes?” he asks, expectant. 

_Shit_. Bad idea. But too late to turn back now. “About you and By- _ugh_ \- you and the professor.”

“Yes?” he asks again, cautious.

“Do you still,” he says through gritted teeth. _Just get it out, and then you can run._ “Do you still feel anything for her?”

Dimitri frowns a bit. “I still value her friendship, very highly. She is one of my closest friends, excluding you and Dedue.”

“Not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

“I meant,” he pauses, sucks in a breath, “when you see her, do you ever get that tight feeling in your chest. Like it’s, I don’t know, like it’s going to burst open and you’re going to die with your guts spilling out everywhere?”

“Ah. I know exactly the feeling,” he says, a little sadly, and he turns away from Felix to look out the window. “I felt it every day for her, once, when we were at the monastery, and again during the war.”

“But you don’t feel it anymore?”

“Hm,” he says. His response takes an eternity. He turns his head to look at Felix. Felix looks back. 

“Not for Byleth,” he says quietly. 

Felix nods. “Good,” he says, before the door slams shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this took longer than I expected! I had this almost done when I published the first chapter but ended up rewriting most of it. I'm not entirely happy with it, but it's certainly done!

**Author's Note:**

> I've created a twitter to do some ~self promotion~ 
> 
> I'll probably chicken out and make it private in a few days, but until then, please consider hitting me with that RT if you like this: https://twitter.com/_abbner/status/1345169176391016448?s=20


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